


heavy on my mind and the feeling grows

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Post-Squip, Senior year, also there's a party and the squip squad will be there but they won't have major roles, but it'll work out i promise lol, christine and jeremy are buddies, jeremy is avoiding his feelings lol, my first fic lmao!!, the music i was listening to got kind of moody so this fic gets a little moody lol, they smoke weed in this fic just in case that's an issue!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 17:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jeremy had found last year that the moment he had everything to gain, he had everything to lose, and he didn’t want to lose Michael Mell again in a tide of feelings.(Title from Electric Indigo by The Paper Kites)





	heavy on my mind and the feeling grows

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify!! This fic is set in their senior year after the whole squip ordeal, and Jeremy and Christine broke up but now their buddies! It's really self indulgent I'm sorry, I just love these boys so much!! (Chapter title from Turns Within Me, Turns Without Me by The Paper Kites [i'm sorry, every chapter is going to be based off their songs i just feel like they suit the Mood lmao)  
> Also this is really dialogue heavy - I didn't realise until I read over it I'm sorry!! 
> 
> This is my first fic and idk how to tag anything ahh!!
> 
> Come and chat to me at my tumblr at rubytrums.tumblr.com (i also draw fanart of michael there lmao help me)

Michael really was the best. It was a thought Jeremy indulged in the back of the class, in cramped bus seats, and now, in the quiet of Michael’s basement as fragile wisps of smoke sank to the concrete between them.

‘What’re you thinking about, Jer?’ Michael asked.

‘Nothing.’ His fingers curled over a sly smile as he rested his chin in his palm.

Michael raised his eyebrows. ‘Surely something.’ A pause. He smiled and leaned in. ‘Are you thinking about me?’

Jeremy’s eyes crinkled. ‘You got me.’ He smothered his joint on the concrete by his Converse. ‘Dude… I’m just… I’m just really glad we’re friends.’

‘Aw man, you always get so sentimental when you’re high.’ Michael laughed, little puffs of smoke tumbling out of his mouth as he put out his joint as well.

Michael’s laugh was infectious – it spread to Jeremy’s chest as he pulled his eyes from Michael’s mouth and grinned at his shoes. ‘It’s just the truth! I always think that, you know? Even after everything that happened, you-‘

‘Ugh, lame, Jer!’ Michael reached out and ruffled his hair. ‘You know we’re cool –’ he rolled his eyes, ‘-well, not _cool_ , still a little lame, but we’re good.’

And there he was again, regarding Jeremy with that same tenderness and open smile. It caught his breath every time.

‘Uh,’ he breathed out a laugh, ‘Michael, you’re, like, a school legend now! You saved the whole drama club!’

‘It wasn’t that big a deal.’

‘Um, okay Mr. Modesty. You know that could have escalated and jeopardised all of humanity, right?’

His face broke out into a grin. ‘Alright, alright, I admit – it was pretty cool. But also, like, the most terrifying experience of my life.’ He laughed. ‘Speaking of jeopardised humanity, you wanna play a round of Apocalypse Of The Damned?’

‘You know it. Shotgun player one this time.’

‘Ha! Keep dreaming, buddy!’

 

As zombies flashed across the screen, he leaned over to Michael, eyes still glued to the television. ‘You coming to Brooke’s party tomorrow?’

‘Yeah,’ said Michael, ‘but I might head home if it gets too intense – you know I’m not big on crowds.’

‘That’s fine, man. Just let me know if you do.’ Jeremy glanced at his friend. ‘Kind of weird being invited to parties all of a sudden, isn’t it?’

‘I kn- Jeremy – zombie!’

They both yelled as game over appeared on the screen.

‘Sorry!’

‘Ah, whatever.’

As player two disappeared in a swarm of zombies behind the blocky text, Michael set his controller down. ‘You sleeping over, bud?’

Jeremy stretched and sank into the beanbag. ‘Not tonight – I’ve been trying to spend more time with Dad. Actually, I should probably head home.’

‘Sure.’ Michael stood up and rolled his shoulders.

Jeremy’s eyes followed him up, focusing on the patch of light from the television hitting his cheek. His friend peered back at him and reached for his hand, pulling him up.

Jeremy stayed holding his hand, yanking him closer and gesturing to his eyes. ‘Wait, wait, do I look stoned?’

Michael squinted and leaned towards him. ‘…Nah, dude, you’re fine.’ He squeezed his hand and gave him a pat on the shoulder, and Jeremy felt a jolt run up his arm and settle in his chest as he stared at those dark eyes. Had he ever seen them this close up before? They reminded him of lakes, and he felt himself sinking into them – the air seemed to crackle between them, then Michael’s eyes darted away. A flush spread up from his neck.

Jeremy stepped back and let go of him, swinging his arms by his sides. ‘Okay, cool. See you tomorrow.’

‘Y-yeah. See you.’

What was that? As he jogged up the basement stairs, the new vibe of the room clung to his shoulders. It would have been so easy to just lean in and--  
He didn’t like thinking of Michael like that. It freaked him out, felt too vivid, like he was falling into flashing technicolour over and over and he was so heavy that nothing would ever be able to pull him out and – he took a breath of the crisp evening air and picked up his bike. Maybe it was the pot that made him think like this.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Hey, Dad.’ Jeremy walked through the door and hung up his coat. ‘Dinner smells good. What’re you cooking?’

Mr. Heere glanced over at his son and smiled. ‘Roast chicken with pistachios and olives.’

Jeremy’s eyes lit up, partly because of the meal but mostly because it was nice seeing his dad cooking more. He’d spent too many nights eating takeout alone in his room. ‘Sounds amazing.’

‘Well, I’m hoping I don’t burn the chicken this time. You wanna help me chop some vegetables?’

Jeremy washed his hands and found a knife in the drawer as his dad slid some tomatoes his way. They stood in silence together for a few minutes, but it was different to the silences of his junior year. The tense atmosphere he felt around his dad had dissolved into a kind of peacefulness. While it was still heavy, he felt it was less of a burden and more something that kept him stable. Love was always a little heavy like that.

‘So, what’d you and Michael get up to?’ Mr. Heere asked.

‘Just played some video games. You know, the usual,’ Jeremy said.

‘He’s a good kid, isn’t he? Don’t go tossing that friendship away, alright?’

‘You know I won’t. Not after what that whole mess last year.’ He paused, thinking back over everything that had happened, and how Michael had been there through it all – even when he couldn’t see it. He thought of their fight during Halloween, the way Michael stared at him with steady eyes like lead that made him feel like he was sinking into the bathroom tiles. ‘Can I ask you something?’ He glanced at his father beside him.

‘You just did, son.’ Mr. Heere chuckled as he ran some parsley under the tap.

Jeremy frowned, but a smile played at his lips. ‘Ha ha, very funny. I just… when you and mum were in love, what did that feel like?’

They never really spoke about Jeremy’s mum. Even though she’d left almost two years ago, he always felt it was too soon to mention her, and just as a voice in the back of his head told him, the air around them tightened.

‘Hm… I guess it felt a little like being underwater. Kind of weightless, but the pressure of it keeps you grounded at the same time.’

‘Oh. Cool.’ Jeremy held his breath.

Mr. Heere gave him a nudge. ‘How come, Jer-bear? Is there a special someone out there?’

‘No!’ His face flushed a deep red.

His dad smiled. ‘Well, kiddo, I know you’re gonna make some girl – well, I guess anyone, really – you’re gonna make someone really happy.’

Oh god. Jeremy could feel a tremor in his hands. Being bi was something that hovered between them. He knew his dad knew, and it was only a matter of time before Jeremy told him.

But first, he’d have to tell himself, and that scared him more than anything, because _someone_ wasn’t just a girl at a bar, or in line at a supermarket. It was a boy at a coffee shop, or on the bus, or his best friend, with his steady eyes and hands and smile.

He’d found last year that the moment he had everything to gain, he had everything to lose, and he didn’t want to lose Michael Mell again in a tide of feelings.

**Author's Note:**

> Wowee there's the first chapter!! It's very late at night but I had to post it now because I'll be too scared to post it in the morning, so if you spot any typos and stuff let me know!!
> 
> Once again, find me at my tumblr at rubytrums.tumblr.com


End file.
